My Values Were Wrong.

Exploring values in motion to hold ourselves accountable and soften into core beliefs.

Some posts are hard to write.

Rather, some days are hard to write.

Today is one of them.

I’ve started six different thought processes since breakfast yet here I am, muddling about in the hopes of finding a common thread.

The house is shaking as builders cut metal beams to construct our back deck and I’ve reached for my 3-year-old’s earmuffs to try and mute the sound.

(I think he needs new ones.)

Life has been busy and we’re coming into a fairly wild home stretch for 2024.

Add to that some minor house renovations and school challenges that leave me trying to avoid the weekend sigh of: “There is so much to do.”

But for the first time in the better part of a year, I don’t feel overwhelmed by holding more Must Dos than I can do.

At least not chronically.

Go-go-go is in my maternal DNA and I enjoy the buzz of a project and the satisfaction of completion. But I’m also finding great comfort in go, no, slow, flow, allowing space for progress but no longer hounding it as a means of self-approval.

And I wonder how much of this I can ascribe to spending this year in sync with my values.

Not just in sync, but actively participating in building a lifestyle commensurate with those beliefs.

Much of that journey has been based on reflection. When I act in a way that doesn’t gel with who I want to be, I’ll review the situation’s where, when, why, and how to try and reach a different outcome next time.

(Not perfectly, not always! Disclaimer, disclaimer! :))

Here’s an example of that process:

Last week I mentioned that my top three values are Relationships, Health and Sustainability. But after a week of reflection, I realised that I was wrong.

Relationships and health are two areas to which I dedicate time and effort every day. There are few things I wouldn’t do for the people I love and time spent together is more valuable for me than anything I could create alone.

Health is my vehicle and feeling well makes me a better mother/daughter/wife/sister.

But “Sustainability” wasn’t it.

I aerate the compost, then buy plastic soda water bottles at the supermarket.

I give our kids nature baths, then shower without catching the runoff.

8/10 I won’t get a takeaway coffee cup. 2/10 I’ll not skip the coffee.

I may be on a path to sustainability but I still take shortcuts. It’s an undercurrent value that hasn’t yet taken a permanent seat at the table.

Observing how I walked my talk this week made me feel comfortable acknowledging that.

It also made me curious about the performative nature of being “values-driven” versus the quiet assurance of living from your core beliefs.

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In pulling such threads we must unravel, allowing for the stitching together of a more authentic future :)

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Containers Of Code

So I created a simple exercise called Containers of Code to help me stay honest about what matters.

Perhaps you’d like to try?

• Start by taking your top 3 core values and assigning them as headlines to 3 buckets or containers.

• As you move throughout your week pay attention to how many of your thoughts, words, decisions and actions flow into those containers.

• The idea is that if something matters enough, our regular actions would reflect that belief.

In my mind, I see these containers as sourdough starters. Each aligned action is like feeding the starter with a spoonful of flour.

For each discordant behaviour, the starter was starved.

An intrinsic value requires enough aligned action to create a gloriously malty and fermented outcome (and not the mouldy sludge to which my husband and I returned after a holiday in Italy).

What I like about this simple system is it requires action. In this day of keyboard warriors, there is a lot of bluster and peacocking about the “right way” or “wrong way” to go about things, but not much thoughtful effort.

We can wax lyrical about what matters in life, but without action, it rings hollow.

Using this simple system for just a few days has been eye-opening.

I’ve started to see how my core values stand apart from the subset values on which I’ve also built an identity, and that there is no way I have time to nourish them all to the same degree.

Things that I thought mattered turned out to be a bit more inconsequential (hello laundry and mown grass).

I noticed values I admire in other people that aren’t as easy to grasp in myself…

And when it comes to my core beliefs, I regularly flounder between the flags but hope that a 60% success rate will see me to shore.

Last week I found it almost impossible to narrow my values from 120 to 3, now I see how essential that process is. Because if we value everything, we value nothing.

This week you might like to try Containers Of Value by sprinkling in a mental dusting of flour for each aligned action you take. Perhaps, like me, you’ll find that this awareness will buoy you to take more positive steps to live out your values more fully.

As for me, I’d like to amend my answers to “Relationships” “Health” and “Simplicity.”

Because as much as I would love a rainwater tank for Christmas, keeping life simple allows me to dedicate my energy to my relationships, health, and my burgeoning sense of belonging.

And so begins the weaving.

See you next week,
Jenn

We’re all in this together! Have you ever struggled to match your actions to your beliefs? What did you do? How did this play out?

P.S. One of my go-to podcasts is Good Life Project with Jonathan Fields with many episodes steeped in values-based-living. Find an episode here.