She Airbrushed Me Like A Porcelain Doll.

On the alternate expression of values and why we do well to keep an open mind.

A few months ago a lovely young Italian adventurer with a passion for photography — we’ll call her V — serendipitously came into my life with a DSLR and the generosity to capture some photos for my new website.

(Yes, that weekend-project-with-a-semester-of-delays website that I’m still waiting on to go live.)

I’m awkward in front of the camera and use jokes and a lot of eyebrow wiggling to forget that I don’t know what to do with my mouth, which makes for an interesting and sometimes comically distorted result. 

Fortunately, V was lovely, unassuming, and seamlessly snapped a few photos with minimal fanfare. She told me that after some “light edits” she’d send through the files. 

Two days later my phone pinged with the download and I was THRILLED.

Not only were there several non-gargoylesque images that would be great for the website, but I looked radiantly refreshed. 

I was astounded at my youth, my glow, my skin.

Until it dawned on me that my perfection was an apparition thanks to some very precise airbrushing. 

I had to chuckle. 

A life well-lived versus well-looked is the basis of my platform, and here I was, perfectly flawless. 

I didn’t want to mention my discovery to V as she’d already given a lot of her time, so I spent an hour that night using editing software to return my fine lines, my hide-and-seek grey hairs, and the slightly dull and dehydrated under eye that comes with small children. 

The photos are still fantastic, just a little more authentic. 

Dotting back in some pores and crinkles :)

It’s an interesting look at the different ways a value can be expressed and why we need to get comfortable with their alternate expressions within our relationships. 

Take beauty as an example.

Many of us here at Creatively Well might agree that beauty comes from authenticity, individuality and imperfection. An unlined face may be momentarily pleasing but the forehead trails excavated from a life of adventure and deep feelings are far more interesting. A perfect wingtip is sexy but kind eyes will see you lost in their depths. Bright hair is youthful but blooming greys bring wisdom and represent a (hopefully burgeoning) laissez-faire attitude to life.

But for someone in their early twenties who has grown up with filters and AI adaptations of the female form, it seems normal to erase life’s imperfections… It matters.

Light editing to me is adjusting the shadow in the background. Light editing to Gen Z is one step away from creating an avatar. 

Women decades apart could state BEAUTY as a value whilst all meaning very different things.

Reasonably and fairly.

Any one value could be expressed in numerous ways depending on an individual’s worldview; age, life experience, economics and more all affect the reality we experience and the principled pinnacles to which we individually wander. 

We see it in beauty.

We also see it in the pursuit of health. 

From my privileged position of having access to the things I need to take care of my health (nutrient-dense food, clean water, a decent public healthcare system, supportive family, mental health support, and education on WHAT to do),  my pursuit of wellbeing is vastly different — and let’s admit it, a little bougie — compared to women who don’t have access to the basics of safety, food, or hygiene.

Or someone with disability.

It’s why I struggle with the online wellness movement, of which I’m a part, because we’ve taken a value that should be a fundamental human right and have elevated its status to something unattainable for the vast majority of the population — charcoal enema anyone? 

Economic success is another one. The value of money for some people is to have the best of the best and to live with everything they want and need. For others, it’s knowing that rent will be paid and food will be on the table at dinner time. 

This is what makes it dangerous to mimic someone else’s actions around a core belief.

It’s also what makes us hot under the collar when discussing our values because the view is always clearest from our personal vantage point.

Banging The Values Drum

I’m at fault for (sometimes!!) steamrolling my values over those of the people I love.

It can be hard for many of us who are “Values-Driven” to not slip into self-righteousness and take it upon ourselves to convince everyone to speak from the same script. 

For people like me — and let’s see this as a public apology to all those who’ve experienced this side of me :-) — the work is to be able to live aligned with my values without encroaching on the development and beliefs of those I love.

I try to remember that we’re not threshing wheat in the hopes that we all end up eating the same grain, but every part of the crop holds value depending on how you look at it. 

We can talk about shapes with everyone thinking of a different one.

Within each of our relationships, there will be intersections and detours around individual belief systems. It might be generational, it might be social exposure, it might just be time and life experience.

So instead of getting stuck in the weeds of whether or not our people share all the same values, let’s ask if our MORALS align.

Separate from values that ebb and flow as we change and grow, our moral and ethical framework around fundamental questions of right and wrong will determine whether or not a relationship can flourish.

I’ll be keeping this thought in mind this week when my husband and I make different decisions when it comes to parenting, water usage, or how many times in a row we can justify takeout (him: 7, me: 2 — feel free to weigh in below!) because I know that ultimately we trek the same moral trails even if we both detour to get there.

The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it’s open.
- Frank Zappa

Cheers,
Jenn xx